How to heal from the heart-breaking loss of a loved one
No one is immune from life’s losses and they are an unavoidable part of the human experience, but despite knowing this intellectually, nothing can prepare you for the seismic loss of a loved one.
I discovered this when my son Adam (aged 4) died of cancer and again when my mum phoned me at work and said “your Dad is dead”, and again 18 months later when she too passed away leaving me grieving the loss of my child and both my parents before I had even turned 28 and yet again 2 years later when I miscarried at 13 weeks, just after our 12 week scan and announcing to the world about our new arrival.
When you lose someone special, you miss them so badly, it hurts your whole body and you may be struggling to cope and function in your day to day life. People tell you that it gets easier with time, but you just feel it’s getting harder and harder as the days go by, leaving you feeling even more alone, isolated, and misunderstood.
When Adam died, I compartmentalised my pain in order to be able to get through each day, as a single mother I returned to work in order to keep the home Adam and I shared, I wore a mask to all my colleagues, none of whom knew about the intense pain I was feeling.
Maybe like me, you are pushing on with your life, burying your pain and sadness, pretending to be ‘ok’ as you feel no one what’s to listen anymore, smiling on the outside but feeling dead on the inside.
You may feel every day is hard and painful and that living your life without them is just an existence, I spent many painful years just carrying on but not actually fully ‘living my life’, even years later when I had my 2 other sons, my grief still affected my life. With the benefit of hindsight and the deep healing I have done in recent years, I can see I was only half living my life for many years and this is why I am so passionate about supporting and guiding people along their own unique pathway through grief towards the sunshine.
Counselling is the most common form of support for bereavement, when Adam died I was a very private person and it wasn’t easy to open up to friends, let alone a total stranger, I couldn’t see how speaking to a counsellor would help, because they wouldn’t be able to give me the one thing I wanted; Adam back, so what would be the point?
Getting support from someone who really understands grief on a heart, mind, and soul level could really make a difference, it’s funny throughout my life people have always opened up to me, I now understand they feel my energy (even if they don’t realise it) and I recognise this as one of my superpowers.
I believe grief isn’t something you can train in, but you can learn through your own personal experience and body, mind and soul healing which can empower others to navigate their pathway through grief with more ease and less pain.
Bereavement groups are another common form of support, both online and offline, these can be a great place to meet others who feel similar to you and make connections with like-minded people. When I lost Adam, the internet did not exist and I wasn’t aware of any physical groups, it can be nerve-racking going to a group for the first time and sometimes it can re-traumatise you reliving your loss. There is a wide selection of online grief groups and whilst it is fantastic that there is the option to share, the energy of these groups can sometimes keep you stuck in your grief, as people more often share what is not going well. Whilst it is fantastic to have a space where you can offload how you are feeling, there is often no support on how you might be able to transform your pain or any guidance on things you could try to move through your grief and to be able to bring to mind happy memories of the person you have lost instead of the sad, painful and traumatic memories, which is often the way people’s minds tend to work.
You may have tried using a medium to connect with your loved one or other spiritual connection techniques, through dreams, Angel numbers or signs, these are all great but be careful you are not searching for external validation, your loved one is in your heart forever and whilst your physical connection has been broken, your soul bond can never be broken.
The best way to find, maintain and expand a connection with your loved one is to work on yourself first to raise your vibration, these connection tools & techniques can become much more powerful when you have raised your own vibration which is generally very low when you lose someone special as you often feel that part of you dies with them. I can only speak from my experience, but after doing deep healing around my grief, I can now just connect with my heart space and feel connected to Adam in an instant, rather than the intense disconnection I used to feel when I would go to visit him at the graveside, desperately trying to feel close to him but always feeling more disconnected.
Another form of support can be putting your energy into a charity or voluntary work, which is absolutely amazing and a wonderful tribute to your loved one, but if this could be fed by positive energy it could be even more powerful. I really enjoy my role as a volunteer on our local Macmillan cancer support committee, helping raise funds to support people and their families who are living with Cancer, just one of the causes very dear to my heart. Jenny the Macmillan nurse who supported Adam and myself throughout his treatment and beyond was amazing, I can not thank her enough for her practical and emotional support, other than my friends and family she was the only support I had with my grief, until I discovered energy healing a few years ago.
What or whom has supported you most on your journey through grief?
One of my first clients had private counselling for over 2 years and whilst this had helped them to a degree, they had moved to a new area and started again as they didn’t want to be known as “the couple in the village who lost their little boy” but it wasn’t until they worked with me that they released the trauma associated with their sons’ accident and found a feeling of true inner peace with their life as it is now and a deeper connection with themselves, their son who died and their son who survived.
I also know many people who have said to me, they need to take a break from some of the online ‘support’ groups because of the negativity, but have found other more positive groups such as mine that promote healing after loss and more positive routes through grief. It’s not that you can’t share the low moments, but that we want to support you where you are, acknowledging those feelings but helping you lift yourself back up by alchemising lower vibrational thoughts and feelings with love and supporting you in moving up the vibrational scale for your own well-being. If you would like to know more check out my podcast interview on UK Health radio:
I’d love to know your experience of the support you have received so far and even more what sort of support you would like to have, let me know in the comments.
Let’s imagine what your life could be like
Just imagine if you could let go of the pain, sadness and guilt you are holding onto, have a reason to keep going and feel like there is a point to life. Most of us want to go back, have our old life back including the person who we have lost, I’ve had many people tell me they just want to feel a bit more like the ‘old them’. When major things happen to us we are changed forever, but you can move through this dark period and you can rediscover ‘you’ and find an even better version of you.Along the way, you will find ways of coping with the emotional waves of grief, find someone to guide you along your path through grief, helping you move along the path, taking bite size steps along the route to bringing love, joy and happiness back into your life.
My journey through grief.
I have been there, when Adam died it would have been so easy to curl up and die, but he was so brave during his 3-year journey with cancer, I would have felt I was letting him down if I gave in, so I looked for the positives wherever I could, such as at least he wasn’t suffering anymore, it was really hard, but I kept thinking about his bravery and pulled on his energy.
I wasn’t particularly religious when I lost Adam, but I liked to think he had gone to Heaven and was happy and safe there. When my Dad passed away, I thought at least he’s got Granddad with him and likewise when my mum died, I thought he’s got both of them looking after him, he was still my little 4-year-old boy to me.
My initial journey through grief was slow, painful and laborious, in the early days I used a lot of distraction techniques such as over working, drinking to be able to appear like I was ‘ok’ and enjoying myself but always returning to my sadness and pain when I was alone. At 24 I knew I had maybe 40-50 years left on this earth and whilst in those early days I couldn’t imagine being out of the intense unbearable pain, I equally couldn’t imagine living with the pain for that amount of years, so I made a decision to try to move through my grief.
Slowly, some of the pain softened, but at a certain trigger point such as seeing his favourite cake in the bakers, to a children’s hospital program on TV, could transport me back to it instantly. I then had to deal with my fathers’ death, so I went into ‘being strong’ mode again, supporting my mum as much as I could. When my mum died I continued to keep my feelings buried deep in my heart, on the outside everyone probably thought I was doing well considering what I had been through in the last few years, but inside I was feeling lost and alone.
A year or so later, I began a relationship with a friend and after getting engaged we decided to try for a baby which bought up all sorts of fears within me, but 5 ½ years after losing Adam, I gave birth to my second son Nathan, which was bittersweet, obviously, I was overjoyed at being a mum again, but deeply saddened that Adam was not there to meet his baby brother, I tried to stay positive and not spoil the happy moment for my husband and his family, so once again I kept my sadness deep within. A few months later I discovered I was pregnant again, but sadly I lost that baby, I’m not sure I would have got through that loss if I didn’t have Nathan to hold in my arms, just under 18 months later my third son Daniel was born. As the boys grew up, I focused on them, trying to be the best mum I could, sharing stories about Adam and my parents, regularly visiting the graveside, forming a connection between them and their brother and grandparents.
As the boys grew up and years rolled by, my grief appeared to soften, the emotional triggers became less frequent, I got used to Christmas with 2 sons instead of 3, I tried not to keep myself tied to the past, whilst we always visited the grave Christmas eve, I tried not to live in the past and what might have been. I was even at times able to lend a supportive ear to others suffering a loss and offer some comfort.
Fast forward a few years to 2016, I was at a Business workshop and was triggered by a video that was played, I broke down in tears in the middle of the workshop, the lady running the workshop suggested that although it was a long time ago, maybe I should seek some professional help, but I went into default mode and stuffed my pain and sadness back down again. A few months later I was on a 3-day retreat and my grief surfaced again, this time I faced it thou, I was helped using the energy techniques that were being demonstrated that weekend to release my grief and sadness and it was suggested by the workshop leader that maybe I could help others do the same. This bought up all sorts of feelings, who am I to help them? I am nothing special… but I sat with this over the 3 days, alongside researching what help was out there in the field of Child loss. I was totally shocked at the lack of positive messages promoting hope and how you can heal from intense grief and thought to myself, if I had read this in my early stages of grief, it may have dragged me down further rather than lifting me up and moving me through my grief.
Following this weekend I continued my own healing journey, whilst training in the Energy Alignment technique which kick-started my journey of alternative/complementary therapy, I wrote a book Sadness to Sunshine, a compassionate guide for bereaved parents, empowering you to transform your life and be happy again, you can get your copy here.
I continued to train in more therapies to add to my ever-expanding toolbox and began helping other bereaved parents move from Sadness to Sunshine, empowering them to rebuild their lives after loss and helping them to thrive and not just survive. Along the way, I have helped people through other losses and I feel called to form a community, where grief can be discussed openly and I can support people to move through their grief, release any pain and trauma associated with it, help them connect back with themselves and find a new way to live their life after loss and create the future they desire with their loved one very much part of it.
Here’s some things my clients have said about working with me...
I found Jude Hill and I have trusted her empathy, and the technique she uses to help me get my life back. She's worked with me and I can honestly say she has given me, not only my life back but hope and love back too.
I had so many barriers up around the trauma that happened, I had shut everyone out so I couldn't get hurt more. My surviving twin son didn't have the mother he needed and it caused so many problems with him, and between us, especially the older he got. We came to blows (literally), and it was so bad we ended up in court and he wasn't part of our family anymore.
The traumas, stress and loss of my son at the birth triggered my Fibromyalgia too, I was such a mess, not only emotionally and mentally, but I was in constant physical pain too and really didn’t want to be here any longer. The pain and guilt from it all was just too much, I was so sad and dead inside.
I found Jude and she has been a part of my journey to recovery.
Jude is a real ray of sunshine to parents who have suffered the trauma & grief of losing a child, especially after having first-hand experience of her own personal bereavement when she lost her son.
Jude not only offers support through this difficult ordeal, but is also able to reach out to many more people as the author of her recently published book: “ Sadness to Sunshine.”
Having worked with Jude & experienced the mentoring process she uses to help bereaved parents on their healing journey, I was amazed at how powerful her work is & how it can enable you to move on to living a more positive & fulfilled life leaving the pain & sadness of trauma & grief behind.
Thank you so much Jude for introducing me to your magic, I would definitely recommend that you should try it out for yourself.
I don't want you to stay stuck in your pain, sadness and disconnection after loss.
I want to show you how to move through your grief, and find meaning in your life again.
I have created this membership to share the wealth of knowledge, experience and magic I have accumulated from my own journey through grief and the various tools and techniques I have discovered on my way, so that I can shortcut your journey through grief and enable you to find sunshine in your life again.
You were put on this earth to live an amazing life, not to struggle through the wilderness of grief.